BLAME
A person who feels unloved and/or unsafe may feel others are responsible. Common blamer behaviors are accusing, being angry, raging, being sarcastic, acting arrogant, being aggressive, threatening, retaliatory, and punishing. It is important to distinguish that what matters here is not that the blamer feels angry as much as he or she reacts with anger. Anger is the blamer’s attempt to restore identity and safety. The blamer feels unsafe and/or unloved, so demanding or demeaning is an effort to regain love or safety.
Blame is unlikely to foster loving feelings in others. But remember, the sympathetic nervous system is not rational or thinking long-term; its singular focus is survival.
Blaming behaviors in relationships erode trust and safety. Aggressive forms of blame, such as threats, rage, and violence, violate others’ sense of identity and safety. (How ironic that a person reacts with blame and anger because they feel unloved or unsafe, yet their own reactivity makes others feel unloved and unsafe.) And when blamers realize the damage they’re causing, it can further intensify their own pain. It’s a toxic cycle.
SHAME
Shame is another coping behavior option. When a shamer feels unsafe or unloved, they believe they deserve it. They blame themselves and beat themselves up for flaws real or imagined and believe they’re undeserving as they are. They may engage in relentless critique, self-loathing, and even
self-hatred.
In addition, shamers often seem depressed, negative, hopeless, and
inconsolable. It’s as if the shamer has a hole inside that simply cannot be filled. They may complain that they are not loved and may become manipulative, sulky, or even self-harming. It can be frustrating to try to love a shamer as they have difficulty receiving love. It is important to remember that they are not simply feeling sorry for themselves any more than a blamer is an evil or a vindictive person. People who react with shame feel deep pain; their method of flight from that pain is to blame themselves and put themselves down.
CONTROL
We all want to believe that we are competent and capable. The problem is, of course, that almost none of us are all that capable on our own. Only God is. Only God is truly in control. Once we are reminded of that truth, let’s remember that we do not often make wise decisions on our own. But, while it is not wrong to do our best or to strive for excellence and higher competency, there is something insidious about trying to control things and have our own way.
A dysregulated person in pain may attempt to minimize hurt or more pain through control. It’s a form of fight. Controllers are often performance driven and perfectionistic. They do not take input from others well and often react defensively when their performance is questioned. In relationships, they may come across as judgmental or critical, and they often engage in nagging or lecturing behaviors. In short, a person who is reactive by controlling seldom believes that he or she is wrong and has difficulty letting other people make decisions or contribute to the relationship in their own manner (e.g., through style, or according to their personality).
ESCAPE
Escape is a coping behavior resulting from feeling overwhelmed by circumstances or feelings. To escape pain, they disappear. They may physically disappear by retreating to another setting, an activity, or a solitary place. Or they may disappear emotionally by disconnecting from important relationships, checking out emotionally, or even disassociating cognitively from reality. Escapers may retreat into food or a substance or an activity (like screens, gambling, or porn) or become impulsive, dramatic,
avoidant, or secretive. Such behavior makes a person seem less reliable and responsible to friends, family, or coworkers, which brings more pain and chaos. Thus, the cycle continues.
Escapers usually have deep feelings about safety, particularly when it comes to their abilities to take initiative, act in their own best interests, or feel empowered in an unsafe situation. Escape is often associated with trauma from sexual abuse, war, victimization, natural disasters, or domestic violence.
WHAT'S NEXT?
In the assessment scenarios the hurt or pain that you feel and the way you react is called emotional dysregulation, and not only does it destroy your peace of mind, but it also makes relationships very difficult.
In our book The Mindful Marriage we explain that emotional dysregulation is how your body reacts when it perceives a threat, whether physical or emotional. Your brain readies your body for self-protection, commonly called fight-or-flight reactions. When you feel unloved, insecure, anxious, unsafe, or are in conflict your body reacts in self-protection in fight or flight mechanisms expressed in four ways: Blame, Shame, Control, or Escape behaviors. This neurological reactivity makes your relationship even more difficult.
Learning to self-regulate when you’re feeling dysregulated is key to cultivating a peaceful self and loving, trusted relationship. In self-regulation you engage the thinking part of your brain—and calm down the dysregulated part. Making this shift allows you to respond in ways that move the relationship forward, rather than remaining stuck in negative reactive cycles.
Identifying how you react is a big first step; getting out of it is even more important. In The Mindful Marriage you’ll learn how both of you can stop reacting and start loving, caring, and deepening your intimacy.
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COMING JANUARY 7
IN HARDCOVER, EBOOK AND AUDIO BOOK
Backed by neuroscience and biblical principles, this book delivers a therapeutic model for couples who want to stop the painful patterns in troubled relationships as well as healthy marriages, so that they can build a stronger connection.
When Ron and Nan Deal suffered the devastating loss of their child, their marriage was nearly shattered by their destructive cycles. At wits’ end, they sought the help of pioneering therapists Dr. Terry Hargrave and Sharon Hargrave, LMFT, whose transformational Restoration Therapy has helped millions through the practice of emotional mindfulness.
Now, the Deals and Hargraves introduce readers to this proven method that challenges popular beliefs about how relationships work. They show readers how to better understand themselves in times of emotional distress, so that they can self-regulate. Christian readers will especially appreciate the balance of scientifically proven methods along with Scripturally sound teaching, resulting in more loving, faithful marital relationships.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Ron Deal, MMFT, and Nan Deal, BSE, are popular conference speakers who lead marriage seminars based on Restoration Therapy and a small group for parents who have lost a child. Frequently featured in national media, Ron is the bestselling author of more than a dozen books and resources, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and host of the FamilyLife Blended® podcast. Nan retired from teaching after 25 years and currently works for Live Thankfully. They have three sons, a daughter-in-law, one grandson, and a Golden Retriever and reside in Little Rock, Arkansas. Learn more at RonDeal.org.
Terry Hargrave, PhD, and Sharon Hargrave, LMFT, are the founders of Restoration Therapy. Terry served as the Evelyn and Frank Freed Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Theological Seminary and has been training therapists for over 35 years. Sharon served as the Executive Director of the Boone Center for the Family at Pepperdine University, is the Founder of RelateStrong, and maintains a private practice. In their work together as authors, educators, conference speakers, retreat leaders, and trainers, they are passionate about helping people restore love and trust in marriages and families and building close, intimate and connected relationships. They reside in Arizona and have two adult married children and a growing number of grandchildren.
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